Problems - Solutions
#1
Contributors
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The State of Southern NJ!
Posts: 5,972
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
![Cool](https://5series.net/forums/images/icons/icon6.gif)
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
-------------------------------
IF this should apply to your last conversation with a BMW SA ... PLEASE document for the rest of us who need a laugh
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
-------------------------------
IF this should apply to your last conversation with a BMW SA ... PLEASE document for the rest of us who need a laugh
![Big Grin](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/biggrin.gif)
#4
Contributors
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Thousand Oaks, California
Posts: 11,084
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
My Ride: 2008 550i Jet Black on Black Leather, SAT with Paddles, Logic 7, Comfort Seats, NAV, Sport Package, PDC, Xenons, Sirius, Trinity 12W LED Angel Eyes, RPi GT Exhaust, M rear spoiler, ACS Roof Spoiler, Tinted Tail Lights, Bimmian Carbon Fiber Pillar Trim, Bimmian Shadow 550i emblem, RPi Scoop, E60 Forum Cling, Mtec bulbs in fog lights, Mtec 2W LED for License Plate Light Bulbs, K&N Filter, Bimmian LED Smoked Side Markers, Blackout roundels, Carbon Fiber Kidney Grills.
Retired Rides - 1989 325i convertible, 1995 M3, 2002 X5, 2005 545i, 2008 X5 (Lemon)
![Default](https://5series.net/forums/images/icons/icon1.gif)
Originally Posted by luigi524td' post='614595' date='Jul 2 2008, 11:50 AM
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
-------------------------------
IF this should apply to your last conversation with a BMW SA ... PLEASE document for the rest of us who need a laugh![Big Grin](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/biggrin.gif)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
-------------------------------
IF this should apply to your last conversation with a BMW SA ... PLEASE document for the rest of us who need a laugh
![Big Grin](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/biggrin.gif)
![Laughing](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/laughing.gif)
![Whistling](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/whistling.gif)
#7
Contributors
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Southern Europe
Posts: 1,084
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
My Ride: E61 CarbonBlack 535d, Ventilated and Heated Comfort Seats with Massage in Black Nasca Leather, Dark Poplar Wood, Professional Navi, Folding Rear Seats, Load Through, Advanced Remote, PDC, Bluetooth, Dimming and folding Mirrors, Bi-Xenons, Hi-Fi, Tinted
![Default](https://5series.net/forums/images/icons/icon1.gif)
![Clap](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/clap.gif)
![Number1](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/number1.gif)
![Laughing](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/laughing.gif)
![Thumbsup](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/thumbsup.gif)
#9
Contributors
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The State of Southern NJ!
Posts: 5,972
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
![Default](https://5series.net/forums/images/icons/icon1.gif)
Originally Posted by tjleeland' post='614770' date='Jul 2 2008, 05:43 PM
![Big Grin](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/biggrin.gif)
Funny, but....
Repost
![Wacko](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/wacko.gif)
#10
Contributors
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Thousand Oaks, California
Posts: 11,084
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
My Ride: 2008 550i Jet Black on Black Leather, SAT with Paddles, Logic 7, Comfort Seats, NAV, Sport Package, PDC, Xenons, Sirius, Trinity 12W LED Angel Eyes, RPi GT Exhaust, M rear spoiler, ACS Roof Spoiler, Tinted Tail Lights, Bimmian Carbon Fiber Pillar Trim, Bimmian Shadow 550i emblem, RPi Scoop, E60 Forum Cling, Mtec bulbs in fog lights, Mtec 2W LED for License Plate Light Bulbs, K&N Filter, Bimmian LED Smoked Side Markers, Blackout roundels, Carbon Fiber Kidney Grills.
Retired Rides - 1989 325i convertible, 1995 M3, 2002 X5, 2005 545i, 2008 X5 (Lemon)
![Default](https://5series.net/forums/images/icons/icon1.gif)
Originally Posted by luigi524td' post='616522' date='Jul 4 2008, 01:44 PM
NO WAY ... I just invented this ... right after I invented the Internet ![Wacko](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/wacko.gif)
![Wacko](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/wacko.gif)
![Wassat](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/imported/wassat.gif)
![Cool](https://5series.net/forums/images/smilies/cool.gif)
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
rizwan1377
E60 Discussion
2
04-05-2015 05:22 PM
stilldre54
E60 Discussion
4
04-03-2015 02:59 PM