IrishEyes

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

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Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

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I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
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I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-m ail program.

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I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

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I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

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I no longer use cancer-c ausing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

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Thanks to email, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

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Because of email I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

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I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.

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I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

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I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

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And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.

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I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

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I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

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I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

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I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

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I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

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I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.

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I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

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Thanks to email, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks also for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

And thanks to great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

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Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car
because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

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If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

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Have a wonderful day....

New Study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Iceman

Oh yeah, and thanks to email, I know I can increase my...


I seriously HATE all those fu**offs out there that send all this crap around the world and have an orgasm while doing it.
If I ever meet someone that I know he's one of those bunch of fu**ers, I will have to regret what I will do to him when standing in front of the judge, even though I wont...

Merv the Derv

Have to agree there

Rudy

Tell us how you really feel, Iceman!

Iceman

Do you really want the whole story?

Damn, I just deleted another bunch of crap from my inbox.
Do they really think ppl click on their websites or buy stuff from them?

kmslo530i

Yeah, no kidding....why sugarcoat it Iceman........give it to us straight!!

AC_S5

Yeah let it rip Iceman.