[ACTUAL]
HEADLINES OF 2004:


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]


Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]


Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 

 

SOME MORE NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
* House passes gas tax onto senate
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
* William Kelly was fed secretary
* Milk drinkers are turning to powder
* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
* Farmer bill dies in house
* Iraqi head seeks arms

 

 

 

Damn media .

 

Damn media? Damn embedded journalists...

 

1. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
2. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
3. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
4. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
5. Teacher Strike Idles Kids
6. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
7. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
8. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
9. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
10. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
11. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
12. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
13. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
14. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout counter
15. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

 

 

Throw the horse, over the fence, some hay.