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Quanta's Airlines...

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wi! ng afte r brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Fin535dA

Old but funny as hell

arthurk

Are you sure this airline has never had an accident with its planes????

Iceman

Actually Qantas (no U in the name!) had accidents allready!


A funny repost that remind me on my conversations with my BMW technician...

ImolaRedM

From the Qantas Wiki...

Incidents and accidents

* On 26 May 1971 Qantas received a call from a "Mr Brown" claiming that there was a bomb planted on a Hong Kong-bound jet and that he wanted $500,000. Arrangements were made to pick up the money from the head office of the airline in the heart of the Sydney business district. After Qantas paid the money and it was safely collected, Mr Brown called again, advising the bomb story was a hoax. The initial pursuit of the perpetrator was bungled by the NSW Police who, despite having been advised of the matter from the time of the first call, failed to establish adequate surveillance of the pick up of the money. Tipped off by a car dealer who had received a large amount of cash from a purchaser, the police eventually arrested an Englishman, Peter Macari, finding more than $138,000 hidden in an Annandale property. Convicted and sentenced to 15 years' jail, Macari served nine years before being deported to England.
* It is often claimed, most notably in the 1988 movie Rain Man, that Qantas has never had a fatal crash. However, the company's official line is that it has never lost a "jet" aircraft. Prior to the jet era, Qantas had fatal crashes. One was on 16 July 1951, when De Havilland Drover VH-EBQ crashed in New Guinea after an engine failure, killing all seven passengers and crew. Other fatal accidents occurred in 1927, 1934, 1942, 1943 (?2), and 1944.
* Qantas' record in the jet era was spotless until Boeing 747-400 VH-OJH, carrying 407 passengers and crew, over-ran the runway by 220 metres, ending up in a golf course, while landing in a rainstorm at Bangkok on 23 September 1999. [1] There were no fatalities; however, the Australian Transport Safety Bureau criticised numerous inadequacies in Qantas' operational and training processes. [2] Repairs to the nine-year-old aircraft were undertaken in Bangkok and China at a cost in excess of A$100 million, believed to be the most expensive in history. The aircraft had suffered extensive damage to landing gear, engines and engine pylons and the front fuselage and it was widely suggested at the time that it should have been written-off. Qantas denied that pressure had been applied to insurers to avoid a hull-loss being recorded so that the airline's safety record would remain intact, it was also suspected that the pilot of the aircraft had was intoxicated, and also allowed a female friend into the cockpit before the aircraft landed and ended up in the golf course. The following year 747-300 VH-EBW was damaged when its landing gear collapsed while taxiing at Rome. It also returned to service after repairs.
* On 21 August 2005, an incident occurred involving Qantas Airbus A330-300 VH-QPE with 178 passengers and 13 crew aboard. The aircraft made an emergency landing at Kansai Airport in Osaka, Japan after an indication of smoke in the cargo hold. The Osaka Control Tower reported seeing smoke on landing, so an emergency evacuation was declared as a precaution and emergency slides were deployed. Nine passengers were injured and hospitalised. Subsequent investigation found no sign of smoke or fire, and it is believed that the cargo fire sensors were faulty. The aircraft was only 15 months old at the time of the incident.

* On 2 February 2006, a Qantas Boeing 767-300ER VH-OGH, carrying 155 passengers and 11 crew, and a United Airlines 747-400, carrying 99 passengers and 14 crew, were involved in a collision while on the runway at Melbourne Airport. The Qantas aircraft sustained damage to a horizontal stabiliser while the United aircraft damaged a wingtip. The Qantas 767 was parked at the holding point awaiting a take-off clearance when the United 747 taxied into it, causing the damage. United released a statement saying its flight 840 from Melbourne to Los Angeles via Sydney "reported a wingtip touch with a Qantas aircraft as it taxied". No passengers were injured in the incident. Qantas recently hired a new safety officer, Andrew Thrush. [3]

Hatchman50

Funny stuff.

ICEMAN 316

Stealthblue

This would worry me if I was the next pilot :

"P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious."

madoon

VERY FUNNY.. thanks for posting...

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
sounds like "tom & jerry" are on that flight..hehehe