Top Tips
06-07-2005, 02:32 PM
#1
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Location: Dublin, Eire
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My Ride: Collected Sept 2009 - BMW E90 M3, Silverstone II, Novillo Black leather, 19" M Double-Spoke alloys, High Beam Assist, Electronic Damper Control, Voice Control, PDC, USB, DAB, High Gloss Shadowline, Sliding armrest, Trim Finishing in aluminium grey.
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
2. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you
from going back to sleep.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing
in the first place.
6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.
7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the
bath.
8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to what you want to look at.
12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply pissing in the sink.
21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
difference.
23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong
name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
that it has gone.
26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red
lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB
digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka
toy of the same des cription.
31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
32. Fiat Punto drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
2. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you
from going back to sleep.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing
in the first place.
6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.
7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the
bath.
8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to what you want to look at.
12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply pissing in the sink.
21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
difference.
23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong
name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
that it has gone.
26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red
lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB
digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka
toy of the same des cription.
31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
32. Fiat Punto drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
06-07-2005, 08:30 PM
#3
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: San Jose, California, USA
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My Ride: 2008 Porsche 911 Carrera S Convertible. Midnight Blue, 6 Speed.Retired - 2007 997 Carrera S, Midnight Blue, Grey leather, premium audioRetired - 2007 550i, Monaco Blue over Beige, Navigation, Logic 7, Cold Weather Pack, Comfort Access, Sport Package
Model Year: 2008
Save money on expensive personalized licence plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plates.
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Mr JKN473Y, California
06-11-2005, 01:06 PM
#6
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Location: FLA - East Coast, USA
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06-12-2005, 07:11 PM
#8
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Singapore
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My Ride: 530iA Silver Grey , black interior. Premium Package, Navigation System, Head-up Display, Radio Satellite, Adaptive Xenon Headlights. AC Schnitzer Front Lip, H&R springs, Rear red reflector, All season Floor mat,
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