I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.
-- John Barrymore

Murphy's Laws (as posted in Arizona Humor)

Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks .
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think

Murphy's Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.

Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.

Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
-- Murphy's Law

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
-- Bill Cosby

For the love of God, folks, don't do this at home.
-- David Letterman

The wit of a graduate student is like champagne. Canadian champagne.
-- Robertson Davies

Travel is educational; it teaches you how to get rid of money in a hurry.
-- S. Barry Lipkin

I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.
-- Whoopi Goldberg

My ultimate vocation in life is to be an irritant.
-- Elvis Costello

You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.
-- Bob Hope

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Marion Barry

Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.
-- Abraham Lincoln

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.''
-- Rita Rudner

You may be a redneck if . . . you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
-- Jeff Foxworthy

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.
-- Jack Handey

Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
-- W. C. Fields

I can resist everything except temptation.
-- Oscar Wilde

The vote means nothing to women. We should be armed.
-- Edna O'Brien

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
-- Jack Benny

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.
-- Satchel Paige

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-- George Burns

I am not what you would call a handsome man. God did not choose to bless me with good looks, charm or a fully functional brain.
-- Bobby Bouchet, Waterboy

When a couple decide to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along
-- P.J. O'Rourke

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
-- Steve Martin

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
-- Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-- Roseanne