BMW Jokes
02-24-2009, 04:14 PM
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I got into looking for BMW joks after reading the thread in the E60 Discussion about BMW owner hatred. I found another joke so I am posting it and opening the forum up to poking fun at ourselves.
Found this, dont know if it has been posted here before. thought is was kinda funny
----
A Day In The Life Of A BMW Driver
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn?t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN?T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn?t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They?re not free points either - they?re ?20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won?t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won?t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT?S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!
Found this, dont know if it has been posted here before. thought is was kinda funny
----
A Day In The Life Of A BMW Driver
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn?t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN?T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn?t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They?re not free points either - they?re ?20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won?t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won?t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT?S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!
02-24-2009, 04:36 PM
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Dear New BMW Owner:
Congratulations on the purchase of your new automobile! We're sure that
it will provide you with the utmost in driving pleasure and lifestyle
enhancement.
However, we must inform you that there are certain minimum requirements
that a BMW customer must meet in order to retain ownership of his or her
vehicle. Specifically, as a first time owner, you must take and pass the
following classes, offered by your local BMW dealer:
* ARR 101 -- Arrogance
A six week course explaining the details of driving habits, posture,
clothing, and other details that all lead to the arrogant appearance
and demeanor that all BMW owners must present. $800/person
* AGG 101 -- Aggressiveness
Six weeks of hands-on experience in tailgating, rapid unsignaled lane
changes, speeding, and hard breaking. When you complete this course
you'll be able to merge your car into the tiniest available spot on the
freeway and cause everyone around you to know a BMW just entered the
road, even if they couldn't see you at the time. $1000/person
* BUD 101 -- Budgeting To Make Your Car Payment
Twelve weeks. $1500/person
If this is a second (or later) BMW, then our requirements include:
* ARR 102 -- Arrogance Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on arrogance. $650/person
* AGG 102 -- Aggressiveness Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on aggressiveness. $850/person
* BUD 102 -- Additional Budgeting Skills
12 weeks. This course covers additional budgeting skills including:
* How to buy your teenage child his or her first BMW and
still make the payment on your own.
* The home equity loan -- your friend.
* Selling your house to pay for your car -- you can do it.
* Paying for your BMW owner training classes -- yes, you have to.
$1500/person
These classes must be completed successfully during your first 3 months of
ownership, or we will be forced to repossess your car.
In addition, we offer other classes that you may be interested in taking.
These include:
* LIF 101 -- Living Where Other BMW Owners Live
How to find those neighborhoods where your fellow BMW owners already live.
Three weeks. $500/person
* MAI 101 -- BMW Maintenance
Four weeks. Basic training in how to open your wallet to pay BMW
mechanics seven times the going hourly rate to fix your car when it
breaks. $750/person
* MAI 201 -- Advanced BMW Maintenance
Eight weeks. Admission to this class requires instructor approval.
Hypno-therapy to ease the process of opening the wallet of really
tough customers.
Please contact your BMW dealer to enroll in your required classes, and
in any of the voluntary classes that appeal to you.
Once again, we appreciate your business! Happy Driving!
Congratulations on the purchase of your new automobile! We're sure that
it will provide you with the utmost in driving pleasure and lifestyle
enhancement.
However, we must inform you that there are certain minimum requirements
that a BMW customer must meet in order to retain ownership of his or her
vehicle. Specifically, as a first time owner, you must take and pass the
following classes, offered by your local BMW dealer:
* ARR 101 -- Arrogance
A six week course explaining the details of driving habits, posture,
clothing, and other details that all lead to the arrogant appearance
and demeanor that all BMW owners must present. $800/person
* AGG 101 -- Aggressiveness
Six weeks of hands-on experience in tailgating, rapid unsignaled lane
changes, speeding, and hard breaking. When you complete this course
you'll be able to merge your car into the tiniest available spot on the
freeway and cause everyone around you to know a BMW just entered the
road, even if they couldn't see you at the time. $1000/person
* BUD 101 -- Budgeting To Make Your Car Payment
Twelve weeks. $1500/person
If this is a second (or later) BMW, then our requirements include:
* ARR 102 -- Arrogance Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on arrogance. $650/person
* AGG 102 -- Aggressiveness Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on aggressiveness. $850/person
* BUD 102 -- Additional Budgeting Skills
12 weeks. This course covers additional budgeting skills including:
* How to buy your teenage child his or her first BMW and
still make the payment on your own.
* The home equity loan -- your friend.
* Selling your house to pay for your car -- you can do it.
* Paying for your BMW owner training classes -- yes, you have to.
$1500/person
These classes must be completed successfully during your first 3 months of
ownership, or we will be forced to repossess your car.
In addition, we offer other classes that you may be interested in taking.
These include:
* LIF 101 -- Living Where Other BMW Owners Live
How to find those neighborhoods where your fellow BMW owners already live.
Three weeks. $500/person
* MAI 101 -- BMW Maintenance
Four weeks. Basic training in how to open your wallet to pay BMW
mechanics seven times the going hourly rate to fix your car when it
breaks. $750/person
* MAI 201 -- Advanced BMW Maintenance
Eight weeks. Admission to this class requires instructor approval.
Hypno-therapy to ease the process of opening the wallet of really
tough customers.
Please contact your BMW dealer to enroll in your required classes, and
in any of the voluntary classes that appeal to you.
Once again, we appreciate your business! Happy Driving!
02-24-2009, 04:38 PM
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02-24-2009, 06:06 PM
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not a bmw joke... but a bmw in a joke...
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car saleroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.' I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph.
Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car saleroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.' I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph.
Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.