Big Billy Connolly hits 65
11-18-2007, 09:32 PM
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Connolly
The Big Yin hits 65 but his jokes are timeless
SCOTLAND'S comedy king Billy Connolly is set for a big birthday when he turns 65 on Saturday.
The former shipyard worker remains a national treasure after almost four decades at the top.
He was little-known in 1975 when he appeared as a guest on Parkinson and told a joke that first plunged the nation into shock then paralysed it with laughter.
His tale of a Glaswegian who kills and buries his wife but leaves her bum showing so he has "somewhere to park his bike", lifted his career to a higher level... and it's still going strong.
Some of Billy's best lines.
Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on.
My parents used to take me to Lewis department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints. They used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.
I'm a big fan of the Mars bar diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your a*** and let a rottweiler chase you home
An intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Marriage is a wonderful invention - but then again, so is a bicycle puncture repair kit.
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?
I don't know why I should have to learn algebra - I'm never likely to go there.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
I worry about ridiculous things, you know. How does a guy who drives a snow-plough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days.
Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in three minutes' time?". The other one says: "I'd s*** everything that moved...what would you do?" And he says: "I'd stand perfectly still."
On a less than successful football boss: "He thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint."
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Scots-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you look under the kilt and if it's a quarter-pounder you know it's a McDonald's.
I hate people who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
Who discovered we could get milk from cows and what did he think he was doing at the time?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic. And so am I.
For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm all right nooooooooo.
11-19-2007, 07:03 AM
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My Ride: 2011, X6 Hybrid . Alpine White , every option. 20" Conti' NON runflats,OEM trunk spoiler , LUX V3 AE's , HP Thunder Fogs , custom front bumper reflector delete........
Originally Posted by pinguhk' post='496259' date='Nov 19 2007, 01:32 AM
Attachment 40713
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Connolly
The Big Yin hits 65 but his jokes are timeless
SCOTLAND'S comedy king Billy Connolly is set for a big birthday when he turns 65 on Saturday.
The former shipyard worker remains a national treasure after almost four decades at the top.
He was little-known in 1975 when he appeared as a guest on Parkinson and told a joke that first plunged the nation into shock then paralysed it with laughter.
His tale of a Glaswegian who kills and buries his wife but leaves her bum showing so he has "somewhere to park his bike", lifted his career to a higher level... and it's still going strong.
Some of Billy's best lines.
Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on.
My parents used to take me to Lewis department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints. They used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.
I'm a big fan of the Mars bar diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your a*** and let a rottweiler chase you home
An intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Marriage is a wonderful invention - but then again, so is a bicycle puncture repair kit.
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?
I don't know why I should have to learn algebra - I'm never likely to go there.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
I worry about ridiculous things, you know. How does a guy who drives a snow-plough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days.
Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in three minutes' time?". The other one says: "I'd s*** everything that moved...what would you do?" And he says: "I'd stand perfectly still."
On a less than successful football boss: "He thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint."
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Scots-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you look under the kilt and if it's a quarter-pounder you know it's a McDonald's.
I hate people who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
Who discovered we could get milk from cows and what did he think he was doing at the time?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic. And so am I.
For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm all right nooooooooo.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Connolly
The Big Yin hits 65 but his jokes are timeless
SCOTLAND'S comedy king Billy Connolly is set for a big birthday when he turns 65 on Saturday.
The former shipyard worker remains a national treasure after almost four decades at the top.
He was little-known in 1975 when he appeared as a guest on Parkinson and told a joke that first plunged the nation into shock then paralysed it with laughter.
His tale of a Glaswegian who kills and buries his wife but leaves her bum showing so he has "somewhere to park his bike", lifted his career to a higher level... and it's still going strong.
Some of Billy's best lines.
Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on.
My parents used to take me to Lewis department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints. They used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.
I'm a big fan of the Mars bar diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your a*** and let a rottweiler chase you home
An intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Marriage is a wonderful invention - but then again, so is a bicycle puncture repair kit.
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?
I don't know why I should have to learn algebra - I'm never likely to go there.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
I worry about ridiculous things, you know. How does a guy who drives a snow-plough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days.
Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in three minutes' time?". The other one says: "I'd s*** everything that moved...what would you do?" And he says: "I'd stand perfectly still."
On a less than successful football boss: "He thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint."
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Scots-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you look under the kilt and if it's a quarter-pounder you know it's a McDonald's.
I hate people who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
Who discovered we could get milk from cows and what did he think he was doing at the time?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic. And so am I.
For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm all right nooooooooo.
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