BMW530

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your
Mother"

-----

On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.
"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.
Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass. It was called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier."

-----

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a three-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a three-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the second story is ...'It's that time of the month."...and the third story is, ..." NO..we'll wake the children. ".

-----

Once upon a time, there was an old man who worked all his life and saved all his money. He was a miser, he lived like a pauper, he hardly had food, but he loved his money more than just about anything else in the world.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I need my money in the afterlife. Can you promise me that you'll do that?"

His wife was faithful, so she promised him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all his money in the casket.

When the old man died his wife gave him a proper funeral. He was laid out in a beautiful casket and his faithful wife was in the front row at the funeral parlor dressed in black, sitting beside her best friend. When the ceremony ended, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife rose from her seat and said, "Wait just a minute!"
With that, she placed a box inside the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

The friend grabbed the wife by the arm and said, "Listen, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in the casket with that man, were you?"

The wife said to her friend, "Listen, I am a Christian woman and I can never lie. I promised him that I was going to put the money in his casket with him and I did."

The friend was horrified and asked, "You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket with that man?"

The wife replied, "I sure did ... I wrote him a check!"

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE RESOURCEFULNESS OF A GOOD WOMAN!

-----

Wisdom of Will Roger

1. "Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in."

2. "If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there."

3. "If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around."

4. "After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut."

5. "Never kick a cow chip on a hot day."

6. "There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works."

7. "If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging."

8. "Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco."

9. "It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep."

10. "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

11. "Don't squat with your spurs on."

12. "Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment."

13. "Never miss a good chance to shut up."

14. "Always drink upstream from the herd."

15. "When you're throwing' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else."

16. "There are three kinds of men:
1. The ones that learn by reading.
2. The few who learn by observation.
3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

17. "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

REMEMBER --For every minute you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds
of happiness that you can never get back

-----

Subject: From Heaven


Both women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.

First woman-- "I froze to death."
Second woman -- "You froze to death -- how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman-- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

Iceman

alohalc