1. Two women walked into a building.......... you'd think at least one
of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - ".....If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places".
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find
any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his Bum.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
' Is it common ? '
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him ?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? ...Because he's cross-eyed ?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my
backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go
for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu ?
But
I
think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other
one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its a pity you can't hear his accent & see him in his Fez - great comedian.

Here's a link to hear some Tommy cooper jokes

 

number 13 is hilarious!