Oil Change Instructions...
Thread Starter
Contributors
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 398
Likes: 0
From: Brookline, MA, USA
My Ride: 2007 530Xi - Navigation, Premium package, Steptronic.
Oil Change instructions :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent :
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent :
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
good one!!
Contributors
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 1,318
Likes: 0
From: Gurnee, Illinois
Several years ago I owned a 1973 Jaguar XKE with the v 12.
I had a new Jaguar oil filter and 12 quarts of new oil.
First and last time I tried to change the oil.
Apparently the crazy oil filter that was a type that fit within a metal cup did not seat just right on the engine.
I suspected this and was doing the job in the street in front of my house instead of doing it in the garage or driveway.
When i was done but before starting the engine I asked my son to peek under the engine to check for leaks as i started the engine.
Once I started it he starts yelling and i shut it down and go look under the car to see 3 quarts of new oil spraying all over the underside of the car.
I then loosened the filter and reseated it a couple of times which is difficult cause the car sits so low to the ground.
Finally got it correct and had to go buy another 3 quarts of oil.
The oil mark on the street never did go away until last year when they redid our streets.
Ill never do that again. Sold the car too to make room the the BMW.
I had a new Jaguar oil filter and 12 quarts of new oil.
First and last time I tried to change the oil.
Apparently the crazy oil filter that was a type that fit within a metal cup did not seat just right on the engine.
I suspected this and was doing the job in the street in front of my house instead of doing it in the garage or driveway.
When i was done but before starting the engine I asked my son to peek under the engine to check for leaks as i started the engine.
Once I started it he starts yelling and i shut it down and go look under the car to see 3 quarts of new oil spraying all over the underside of the car.
I then loosened the filter and reseated it a couple of times which is difficult cause the car sits so low to the ground.
Finally got it correct and had to go buy another 3 quarts of oil.
The oil mark on the street never did go away until last year when they redid our streets.
Ill never do that again. Sold the car too to make room the the BMW.
Thread Starter
Contributors
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 398
Likes: 0
From: Brookline, MA, USA
My Ride: 2007 530Xi - Navigation, Premium package, Steptronic.
Originally Posted by Veight' post='485195' date='Oct 23 2007, 06:00 PM
Several years ago I owned a 1973 Jaguar XKE with the v 12.
I had a new Jaguar oil filter and 12 quarts of new oil.
First and last time I tried to change the oil.
Apparently the crazy oil filter that was a type that fit within a metal cup did not seat just right on the engine.
I suspected this and was doing the job in the street in front of my house instead of doing it in the garage or driveway.
When i was done but before starting the engine I asked my son to peek under the engine to check for leaks as i started the engine.
Once I started it he starts yelling and i shut it down and go look under the car to see 3 quarts of new oil spraying all over the underside of the car.
I then loosened the filter and reseated it a couple of times which is difficult cause the car sits so low to the ground.
Finally got it correct and had to go buy another 3 quarts of oil.
The oil mark on the street never did go away until last year when they redid our streets.
Ill never do that again. Sold the car too to make room the the BMW.
I had a new Jaguar oil filter and 12 quarts of new oil.
First and last time I tried to change the oil.
Apparently the crazy oil filter that was a type that fit within a metal cup did not seat just right on the engine.
I suspected this and was doing the job in the street in front of my house instead of doing it in the garage or driveway.
When i was done but before starting the engine I asked my son to peek under the engine to check for leaks as i started the engine.
Once I started it he starts yelling and i shut it down and go look under the car to see 3 quarts of new oil spraying all over the underside of the car.
I then loosened the filter and reseated it a couple of times which is difficult cause the car sits so low to the ground.
Finally got it correct and had to go buy another 3 quarts of oil.
The oil mark on the street never did go away until last year when they redid our streets.
Ill never do that again. Sold the car too to make room the the BMW.
Members
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 9
Likes: 0
Originally Posted by ExGMan' post='483818' date='Oct 20 2007, 06:03 AM
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
17b) Go to dealer for correct filter
17c) Charged $23 for oil filter (list price $10)
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