Iceman

I think this sounds familiar for you !?

Air Force One
The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base "Requesting Radar".
"What is your position?" asked ATC (Air Traffic Control)
"You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied.
After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency"
"What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One
"You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.

Some Darn Horn
This is a rather classic conversation overheard on the radio at an airport just prior to a very short landing in a high performance aircraft. The location and the pilot involved shall remain unnamed to protect the guilty! :-)
Tower: "xxxx, clear to land"
XXXX: "roger"
Tower: "xxxx, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down?"
XXXX: "Say again, I can't hear you because there a some darn horn blaring in my ear!"
Tower: "Your landing gear is NOT DOWN"
XXXX: "Say what, I can't understand you"
Tower: "Your landing gear is ..... aw shit."

Been to Frankfurt Before?
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)
Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgen, taxi to your gate.
The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"
Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.
Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"
Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."

Deadheading
Deadheading in uniform......(deadheading is when a crewmember travels as a passenger, hence it's a no-brainer or deadhead)... is not something I like to do... there is always some "joker" who asks loudly as I'm sitting down in the back of the airplane, "Aren't you suppose to be up front?". Well, one time I responded loud enough for everyone to hear (regrettably), "This is one of the newest airplanes in the world...it is totally computerized...and I'm onboard just in case something goes wrong...to reset the computer" (by the way, being a smart arse is not a good idea, anytime!) Later in the flight, the captain who was an old friend of mine sent a flight attendant back to ask me to come to the cockpit.....seems he was thinking of moving to
Atlanta and wanted to pick my brain about where to look for a home.
During this brief exchange the #2 generator faulted and the cabin lights blinked as the other generator picked up the load. I'd forgotten about the "computerized airplane business" completely. When I got back to my seat, the man's wife said to him, "See, I told you he was serious!"

Delays
Lots of commercial aircraft are stacked up waiting for approach to O'Hare Int'l, ATC has inflicted numerous delays, and some planes are already 1-2 hours late. The WX (Weather conditions) is good, it's just that there is a traffic bottleneck somewhere. Pilots, passengers, crew are all getting quite frustrated and angry.
ATC: "All aircraft holding, expect 20 minutes additional delay."
Unknown Aircraft: "Ahhh . . . bullsh*t!"
ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself."
(silence)
ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself immediately!"
(silence)
ATC: "Aircraft using 'bullshit' in last transmission, identify yourself. American 411, was that you?"
American 411: "Approach, American 411: negative on the 'bullshit,' sir."
NW 202: "Approach, NW 202: negative on the 'bullshit.'"
Delta 55: "Approach, Delta 55: negative on the 'bullshit.'"
NW 33: "Approach, NW 33: we have a negative on that 'bullshit.'"
. . . and so on, right through the entire pattern - 10 more minutes delay...

First one off
Have you ever noticed that no matter how short or long a flight is there is always a sudden urgency to be the first one off the plane? Well, a Boeing 727 Captain was confronted with a situation in which a passenger, in his rush to be the first off the plane, actually
left his seat during taxi into the gate, (a violation of FAR's), and proceeded to the entry door and stood there. After repeatedly refusing to return to his seat at the request of the Flight Attendant, the Flight Attendant informed the pilots of the problem. The Captain advised the Flight Attendant that upon arrival at the gate, the deplaning would be accomplished through the rear stairway. He told her not to mention this as he would make a P.A. announcement at the gate. He then notified the ground personnel to make arrangements for deplaning the passengers out of the rear stairway and escorting them into the terminal. At arrival at the gate, the Captain made a P.A. to the effect that the jet way is broken and the passengers will need to deplane through the aircraft's rear stairway. Of course, by now, the aisle was completely filled with passengers waiting to deplane. The gentleman who was in such a hurry to get off ended
up being the last off the plane as he was stuck at the front door...

Flying this thing?
Have you ever been on a plane and seen pilots sitting in the passenger cabin? Well, this is not that uncommon. Most airlines at one time or another need pilots at an airport other than the one they're based at to cover a flight. This is known in the industry as "deadheading." In some cases, due to weather, mechanical problems or crew flight time legalities, crews are called out at the last moment to catch a "deadheading" flight. This leads us into our story.
During taxi out for takeoff on a Boeing 727 the plane suddenly stopped. While still on the taxiway, the flight attendant in the back began to lower the aft stairway. Behind the plane was a van with flashing lights. The van came to a screeching halt and out jumped 3 pilots. They grabbed their bags and started to run for the plane.
As they ran up the stairs, the pilot in front continued running up the aisle shouting "I can't
believe the stewardess got the plane this far. I didn't even know she knew how to start the engines!" You can't believe the startled look on the passengers' faces. Led to believe that these were their pilots, the passengers were left sitting there in total shock. To think that your flight is preparing for takeoff and there aren't any pilots on board! Of course, unbeknown to them, these pilots were just deadheading and the regular flight crew was actually driving the plane.....

Message For You
Supposedly Heard On The Air (said with a slow, Eton type accent)...
BOAC: Heathrow Centre, British Airways Speedbird Flight 723
HC: British Airways Speedbird Flight 723, Heathrow Centre, go ahead
BOAC: Heathrow Centre, British Airways Speedbird Flight 723 has a message for you
HC: British Airways Speedbird Flight 723, Heathrow Centre is ready to copy message
BOAC: Heathrow Centre, British Airways Speedbird Flight 723, message is as follows: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday ....

Noise Abatement
The pilot of an airliner requested a clearance from 25,000 feet to cruise altitude of 31,000 feet. The conversation went something like this:
United 402: "United 402 requesting climb to flight level 310"
ATC: "United 402 maintain flight level 250 for noise abatement".
United 402: "What do you mean maintain 250 'for noise abatement'?".
ATC: "If you climb and hit the traffic at 270, there will be a big noise.".

Intentions
ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

Fast Landing
Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...
(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

Out of fuel
(Heard on the radio - Really )
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

Affair
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair..."

Another noise abatement
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
AC: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

Seagull traffic
Leaving Palo Alto one Friday. A Citabria had just landed:
PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
XX: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
XX: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.
A little later, the Citabria was downwind when heard:
PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.

Fucked up
Student Naval Aviator (SNA) flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost, very flustered,
inadvertently keys XMIT instead of ICS to tell Instructor Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally
situationally aware:
SNA: (broadcasts to world) "Sir, I'm all fucked up."
Whiting TWR: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."
(short pause)
IP: "My student said he was fucked up; he didn't say he was stupid."

Extracted from the UK CAA GASIL
(general aviation safety info leaflet) Dec 1991.

Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?
"Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."

Pilot: "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff"
Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."

Student pilot (who forgot to ask for surface wind) "Please pass wind"

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."

ATIS Recording: "...altimeter 29.93. VFR departures advise ground control of destination and altitude and you play golf." Coincidentally, I called up right behind a KC-10 that was getting ready to go. The exchange was; Me: "Wilmington ground, Cessna 54360 at ISO (the FBO ramp) with about a 14 handicap, request tee time for the pattern." [delay.....squelch breaks with laughter.......] Tower: "Cessna 360 taxi to runway 24 behind the 10 iron, number 2 for takeoff, he's a scratch golfer." Seems that the controller (a trainee) wasn't privy to the ATIS tagline, and his supervisor got a BIG kick out of all this.


How to make people feel at ease...
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.
For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there."
Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet."

Good knowledge of radio procedure..
Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information Hotel is current and mooney 33W is unfamiliar with procedure and talking to approach control...
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.

"Good ol' boy"
This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."
Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

Rudy

Pretty funny Iceman. Brought me back to my flying days!

530E60NL

Very, very funny!!

andy545

Thanks Iceman,
pretty good material I'm going to foward it to colleagues!!

Andy.

Initialdl

Thanks ice.. you gave me another well-spent 30 min at work....

Iceman

I have found some more...:





And one more noise abatement

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 737 makes when it hits a 747?"


Do you know who I am?

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST
CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice
heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without
flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too".


The PMS ATC...

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: US Air 2771, where the h*** are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground
control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


Language differencies

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."


Digital Watches

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Say WHAT?

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR


You can't always get what you want

ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."


Talk to you soon...

(check the callsign of the answering aircraft)

CZQM: "Nova 895 contact Moncton on 127.12"
ARN871: "Over to 127.12, for Nova 871. We'll talk to you later."
CZQM: "Maybe sooner than you think."
(a few seconds pass...)
ARN871: "Uh, Moncton, they didn't want to talk to us on 127.12..."
CZQM: "See what I mean?"


Speeding allowed!

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.


The confused ATC

München II Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? "
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."


In Inches please

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019


Flying high

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"


The lost student

Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."


The deer...

A deer is on the runway... so...
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.


The taxi

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport


Vienna?

Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (short break) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (short break again) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (once again short break) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."


Same pilot! twice in a day!

Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."


Another confused ATC

London Controller: "CBN438 you are cleared direct Dover VOR."
Pilot: "Roger, copy cleared direct Kosky VOR."
Controller: "Ok, cleared direct Kosky VOR."


A bit more please!

Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."


Not a good morning

Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"



<big time eye-roll collection>

Do you have Charlie?
Negative, we left him back at the hanger!

Do you have Echo?
Negative, recieving you loud and clear!

Do you have Hotel?
Negative, We are staying with friends!

Do you have Juliet?
Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife!

Do you have Kilo?
Negative, but I think there a couple roaches in the ashtray!

Do you have Mike?
Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset!

Do you have Oscar?
Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year!

Do you have Popa?
Negative, but I wrote him a letter last week!

Do you have Romeo?
Negative, Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Do you have Uniform?
Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt!

Do you have Victor?
Negative, Who is Victor?

Do you have Xray?
Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan!

Do you have Whiskey?
Negative, not in last 8 hours, Am I not on assigned heading?

nickolas_g

Good stuff!



THere was a story a read a while back...

Pilot : '"Geeze...I'm F_cking bored...."

ATC : "Unidentified Pilot, identify yourself immediatly! Your communication is against the law!"

Pilot : " I said 'I'm f_cking bored, NOT, f_cking stupid!"

IrishEyes

ATC : "Give me your height and position"

Pilot : " I'm 5' 8" inches and sitting in the cockpit.

andy545

The scary thing is that some of them are not far from real life...

Richard in NC

My favorites (not real stories):

Pilot: Clock problems, please confirm time
ATC: Please identify airline
Pilot: Why, what difference is it?
ATC: If United, 1800 hours, if PanAm, 6PM, if US Air, the little hand is on the 6.

During a passengers first time flying, he kept hearing the pilot over the intercomm.
"This is the captain speaking, we just lost engine 1. No worries, its just a small delay."
"This is the captain speaking, we just lost engine 2. No worries, only a 1 hr delay."
And then after, "This is the captain speaking, we just lost engine 3. No worries, only a 2 hour delay",
the newbie passenger turns to another passenger and says "Gee if we loose the last engine, we'll be up here all day".