Small collection of jokes - some funny
#1
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>> One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>>
>>So he tied her up and went golfing.
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>>A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
>>the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
>>"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
>>
>>The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>>mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>>
>>******** ******************************************
>>
>>
>>Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a
husband.
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>>First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
>>card with the letters:
>>
>>'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>>
>>"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>>
>>"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>>
>> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
>>tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
>>
>>"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>>chardonnay."
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>>
>>! ;A
wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>>
>>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>>
>>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>>
>>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>>
>>THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>>
>>we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>>
>>Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>>
>>to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
>>
>>Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
&g t;>
>>You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
>>
>>USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>>
>>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
>>
>>You think I don't know how to fry a c! ouple of
eggs?"
>>
>>The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
>>
>>what it feels like when I'm driving."
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
>>
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
>>
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
>>
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
>>
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
>>
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>>
>>So he tied her up and went golfing.
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>>A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
>>the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
>>"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
>>
>>The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>>mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>>
>>******** ******************************************
>>
>>
>>Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a
husband.
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>>First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
>>card with the letters:
>>
>>'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>>
>>"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>>
>>"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>>
>> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
>>tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
>>
>>"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>>chardonnay."
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>>
>>! ;A
wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>>
>>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>>
>>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>>
>>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>>
>>THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>>
>>we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>>
>>Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>>
>>to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
>>
>>Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
&g t;>
>>You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
>>
>>USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>>
>>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
>>
>>You think I don't know how to fry a c! ouple of
eggs?"
>>
>>The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
>>
>>what it feels like when I'm driving."
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
>>
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
>>
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
>>
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
>>
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
>>
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
#2
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Hong Kong
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My Ride: In a place where the Mercedes density is the highest in the world (no. of MB per square kilometer) I choose a Bimmer, why? because of one thing "The Ultimate Driving Experience"
My Ride:
523i Steptronic, Silver Grey Exterior, Black Interior with Black Dakota Leather and Maple Wood Trim. Chrome Grill, Style 123 rim, Airbags everywhere, PDC, Rain sensor, Auto lights, Moveable front armrest, Advance Climate Control, Glass Sunroof, Auto dimming interior and exterior mirror with foldable functions, Extended Lights package, 6 CD changer in glove box, Power seats with memory, Power adjustable steering wheel, Power rear sunblinds.
Add ons: 123 wheels, chrome grill, K&N Hi flow filter, Eibach Pro Kit, e60.net decal and 24,000km
Past rides:
2001 Nissan Xterra SE
1999 E39 523i
1999 E46 323i
1996 Acura Integra LS
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#5
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Location: Bahrain
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My Ride: 2005 525i : Alpine White, Steptronic, Black Interior with Amethyst Leather & Popular Grain Brown, 17" 122-Style Rims, Adaptive Bi-Xenon Headlights, Auto Dimming & Folding Mirrors, Advanced A/C, Sports Steering Wheel, Electrically Adjustable Steering Column, Extended Lighting Package, PDC, Sliding Armrest, Bus Navi, Hi-Fi Sound System (MP3 DVDs), CD Changer, Rear Sunshades..
MODS:M-tech front bumper, Painted Grill, Installed Aux-In, Garage Door Opener (Overhead Compartement), ///M Steering wheel, Wood hand brake trim, Wood gear-shift lever. 35% Tint all around..
Got, ACS Roof Spoiler, but not installed..
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#10
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My Ride: 545i; Manual Shifter
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>>
>>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>>
>>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>>
>>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>>
>>THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>>
>>we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>>
>>Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>>
>>to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
>>
>>Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
&g t;>
>>You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
>>
>>USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>>
>>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
>>
>>You think I don't know how to fry a c! ouple of
eggs?"
>>
>>The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
>>
>>what it feels like when I'm driving."
>>
>>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>>
>>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>>
>>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>>
>>THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>>
>>we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>>
>>Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>>
>>to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
>>
>>Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
&g t;>
>>You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
>>
>>USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>>
>>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
>>
>>You think I don't know how to fry a c! ouple of
eggs?"
>>
>>The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
>>
>>what it feels like when I'm driving."
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