Small collection of jokes - some funny
10-13-2006, 12:23 AM
#1
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>> One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>>
>>So he tied her up and went golfing.
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>>A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
>>the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
>>"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
>>
>>The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>>mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>>
>>******** ******************************************
>>
>>
>>Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a
husband.
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>>First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
>>card with the letters:
>>
>>'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>>
>>"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>>
>>"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>>
>> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
>>tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
>>
>>"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>>chardonnay."
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>>
>>! ;A
wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>>
>>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>>
>>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>>
>>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>>
>>THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>>
>>we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>>
>>Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>>
>>to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
>>
>>Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
&g t;>
>>You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
>>
>>USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>>
>>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
>>
>>You think I don't know how to fry a c! ouple of
eggs?"
>>
>>The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
>>
>>what it feels like when I'm driving."
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
>>
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
>>
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
>>
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
>>
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
>>
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>>
>>So he tied her up and went golfing.
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>>A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
>>the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
>>"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
>>
>>The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>>mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>>
>>******** ******************************************
>>
>>
>>Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a
husband.
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>>First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
>>card with the letters:
>>
>>'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>>
>>"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>>
>>"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>>
>> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
>>tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
>>
>>"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>>chardonnay."
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>>
>>! ;A
wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>>
>>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>>
>>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>>
>>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>>
>>THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>>
>>we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>>
>>Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>>
>>to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
>>
>>Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
&g t;>
>>You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
>>
>>USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>>
>>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
>>
>>You think I don't know how to fry a c! ouple of
eggs?"
>>
>>The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
>>
>>what it feels like when I'm driving."
>>
>>************************************************ **
>>
>> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
>>
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
>>
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
>>
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
>>
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
>>
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
10-13-2006, 12:42 AM
#2
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My Ride: In a place where the Mercedes density is the highest in the world (no. of MB per square kilometer) I choose a Bimmer, why? because of one thing "The Ultimate Driving Experience"
My Ride:
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Add ons: 123 wheels, chrome grill, K&N Hi flow filter, Eibach Pro Kit, e60.net decal and 24,000km
Past rides:
2001 Nissan Xterra SE
1999 E39 523i
1999 E46 323i
1996 Acura Integra LS
10-13-2006, 04:23 PM
#5
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My Ride: 2005 525i : Alpine White, Steptronic, Black Interior with Amethyst Leather & Popular Grain Brown, 17" 122-Style Rims, Adaptive Bi-Xenon Headlights, Auto Dimming & Folding Mirrors, Advanced A/C, Sports Steering Wheel, Electrically Adjustable Steering Column, Extended Lighting Package, PDC, Sliding Armrest, Bus Navi, Hi-Fi Sound System (MP3 DVDs), CD Changer, Rear Sunshades..
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Got, ACS Roof Spoiler, but not installed..
10-18-2006, 06:44 AM
#10
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>>
>>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>>
>>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>>
>>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>>
>>THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>>
>>we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>>
>>Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>>
>>to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
>>
>>Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
&g t;>
>>You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
>>
>>USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>>
>>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
>>
>>You think I don't know how to fry a c! ouple of
eggs?"
>>
>>The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
>>
>>what it feels like when I'm driving."
>>
>>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>>
>>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>>
>>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>>
>>THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>>
>>we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>>
>>Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>>
>>to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
>>
>>Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
&g t;>
>>You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
>>
>>USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>>
>>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
>>
>>You think I don't know how to fry a c! ouple of
eggs?"
>>
>>The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
>>
>>what it feels like when I'm driving."
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