IrishEyes

Tapes From the Help Desk
By JOHN KENNEY
NYT OpEd 23/Aug

"If the e-mail message offers `details,' `That movie' or `Wicked
screensaver,' don't open the attachment." The New York Times, Aug. 20, 2003,
on the virus that spread across computer networks this week.

9:38 a.m.

Hi. Umm, hi. Yeah. This is Ingrid, from cost accounting. Well, my computer
is . . . it's on fire. I opened this file, this, thing because I'm in cost
accounting, which I think I said, and I need details. I'm detail-oriented.
Did I say oriented or orientated? I'm sorry. I also opened the "That movie"
one, too, because I like movies a lot. I live alone. Well, with Sashi, my
cat. I watch movies. And I like screensavers, too. I'm really sorry. My
computer is burning and . . . could someone call me, please? Also, do we
still have to do our time sheets today?

10:02 a.m.

Hey. How ya doin'. Dan, in sales. Got a question. I heard about this virus
thing and I was using the computer yesterday and today I have a sore throat.
Should I be worried?

10:14 a.m.

Hello. This is Chip, the intern, I'm an intern, a summer intern. I work in
municipal finance but that's just for the summer. I really want to get into
asset management, I think that would be awesome, anyway. Like, I was
wondering if like there was another blackout or a partial blackout or
something because I swear I didn't touch anything only it's just, like, I
saw "Wicked screensaver" and I thought, cool, so. Umm. . . . My parents are
going to kill me.

10:42 a.m.

Yes, hello. Why do I have e-mail receipts from 956 students at the
University of Wisconsin? This is Vivian in Mr. Hayden's office and I'd just
like to make clear that at no time did I send an e-mail to the Pan-Hellenic
Society at the University of Wisconsin about a toga party this Saturday
night. My husband and I don't even live in Wisconsin, for heaven's sake, not
to mention that we have plans for Saturday night with the Martinson's.

11:01 a.m.

This is Jim from the Detailed Movie Screensaver Department. We, umm, we got
a huge problem down here.

11:17 a.m.

Hello. This is . . . excuse me. I'm on with them now ?(loud crash) ?Umm, I'm
sorry . . . April, yes Chuck's . . . Chuck Smeterling's assistant. As in
Chuck the president of the company. If you could come down here when you get
a moment. . . . We're having a little trouble with the computer. No, that
window does not open, Mr. Smeterl?/p>

11:29 a.m.

Hi. Hi there. I hope you guys in tech support, who, frankly, I don't think
get enough credit for all the good work you do, are having a good day. I
just have a quick question about why my screen's black and playing "Sweet
Child of Mine" over and over. My name's Herb Lugnutt, in H.R., but I'm no
relation whatsoever to the Herb Lugnutt who sent that company-wide message
about how the Help Desk is a bunch of slackers. No relation at all. And I
thought his e-mail was really out of line.

1:45 p.m.

Hey. Hi there. It's Chuck, as in the president of the company. I opened this
e-mail entitled "Thank you!" I like to be thanked. I'm not thanked enough,
actually. Especially by you tech guys. With your long hair, out on your
smoke breaks, laughing at your software jokes, wearing your stupid Black
Sabbath T-shirts. See, my computer, it's broken. It's making these noises .
. . and frozen on the screen is . . . is a picture of my head somehow pasted
onto a little girl in a party dress. Now if someone doesn't get up here soon
. . . .

3:00 p.m.

Ted. It's Jack. From the Help Desk. I sit next to you. Ya know how today is
my last day? Well I just sent you this wicked screensaver. Open it.

alohalc

Iceman