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David Thorne vs Gym

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Old 04-23-2009, 02:03 AM
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From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f *ck yourself.



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.
Old 04-23-2009, 05:50 AM
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WOW!!! Hilarious!
Old 04-23-2009, 06:33 AM
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Old 04-23-2009, 07:55 AM
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BWAHAHAHA! People down the hall are staring at me now.
Old 04-23-2009, 09:07 AM
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TFF! I've dealt with people EXACTLY like that!!
Old 04-23-2009, 12:12 PM
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loved it. gym membership sales people are the worst

i also hate that if you stay a member they won't reduce your membership cost, but if you try to leave they offer you 20% off.
Old 12-08-2011, 10:01 PM
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His website has about 20 emails he's sent to people, all of them equally "as$4olish", and hilarious. It seems most of his emails seem to stem from people trying to get him to do his job for them for free, so I don't really feel bad for any of them, I just love how it inevitibly ends up in them throwing their hands up in frustration.

The most famous is the spider one.
Old 12-09-2011, 01:15 AM
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Originally Posted by kneemah
loved it. gym membership sales people are the worst

i also hate that if you stay a member they won't reduce your membership cost, but if you try to leave they offer you 20% off.
Yeah you hate that but imagine you run or own a gym. Wouldn't you do the same? Or what, gyms are charitable organizations instead of profit oriented ones?
Old 12-20-2011, 08:12 PM
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From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen
Old 12-28-2011, 02:08 AM
  #10  
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A few weeks ago, a guy moved into the apartment across from me. I know little about him apart from the fact that he owns cane furniture as I saw the delivery guys carry it up. I bumped into him on the stairs once and he said hello but I cannot be friends with someone that owns cane furniture so I pretended I had a turtle to feed or something.

Last week when I checked my mailbox, I found that my new neighbour had left me a note stating that he was having a party and to let him know if the noise was too loud.

The problem I have with the note is not that he was having a party and didn't invite me, it was that he selected a vibrant background of balloons, effectively stating that his party was going to be vibrant and possibly have balloons and that I couldn't come.

If I was writing a note to my neighbours saying that I was going to have a party but none of them could come, I would not add photos of ecstasy tablets, beer and gratuitous shots of Lucius going down on men to show them what they are missing out on, I would make it clean and simple, possibly even sombre, so they didn't think 'you prick'.
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